


On This Night, And In This Light

by athenaeums



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Canon, Season 4 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24596767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenaeums/pseuds/athenaeums
Summary: He misses Alex. He felt missing him settle in his chest when Alex went away to Berkeley the first time and it hasn’t ever gone away. Zach thinks he’s Alex’s best friend but he’s not sure how he can be when it’s impossible for Alex to miss him just as much. He briefly wonders if it’s normal for best friends to text each other about that-one-time-we-kissed when one of them is with their boyfriend. Their sweet, devoted, fucking perfect boyfriend.
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 73
Kudos: 331





	On This Night, And In This Light

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers for 13RW Season 4.  
> No disrespect to Charlie, who is the embodiment of sunshine and rainbows and pure delight, but he just ain't it for Alex, imo.  
> And so we have this messy attempt at 8k-ish words to make it make sense.  
> Enjoy!

**Do you remember that night on the rooftop?**

_Which one?_

Zach inhales. The reply arrived too quickly. It’s a Saturday night and he knows that Alex is busy and yet… the reply is instant.

**You know which one.**

He deliberates for a second before pressing send and then presses his head as far back into his pillow as he can. His college dorm bed isn’t great but being able to feel the springs from the cheap mattress pressing into his back for a minute gives him focus. Stops him from reaching into the fridge for a beer.

What is he doing?

He decides not to reply anymore. He misses Alex. He felt missing him settle in his chest when Alex went away to Berkeley the first time and it hasn’t ever gone away. Zach thinks he’s Alex’s best friend but he’s not sure how he can be when it’s impossible for Alex to miss him just as much. He briefly wonders if it’s normal for best friends to text each other about that-one-time-we-kissed when one of them is with their boyfriend. Their sweet, devoted, fucking perfect boyfriend.

_Of course I do, Zach. What is this about?_

Yeah.

He’s not replying anymore.

***

He’s at a party when it happens the first time. Well, second time he supposes. He’s talking to another guy that studies music one minute and the next, they’re kissing. Zach remembers what it felt like the first time. He remembers the shock jolting his entire body and the faint acknowledgement that _he’s not pushing Alex away_. That he’s closed his eyes. That he’s probably kissing back. He remembers the feeling of soft, nervous lips against his and notes how much more confident these ones feel.

And then he remembers that he’s kissing a guy.

And then he pulls back.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, shaking his head. “I’m not into guys…”

He’s back on the rooftop in a heartbeat and he’s furious that of all the nights in his life, that one just won’t leave him alone. He gives much the same speech as the first time, but he gives significantly less of a shit when this guy walks away. He doesn’t know his name. He doesn’t stop him.

He tries not to think about how everything that happened after he pulled back felt like a lie.

With the pleasant buzz of beer still in his system, he shoots off a text and decides to call it a night.

**I need some Zach and Alex time!**

He wonders if it’s a coincidence that Charlie texts him minutes later asking how he’s doing.

He’s trying so hard not to be that person… but if he smiles at the thought that Charlie might be jealous or insecure because of him, who is going to know?

***

Zach is in one of his music classes, trying to get the chords right on the piece they’ve been tasked with. There is a girl across the room fiddling with the strings on her violin. He notices that she has hair like Hannah’s before she cut it. It’s beautiful. Long, curly, and incredibly soft-looking. He studies the way her dress clings to the curves of her body, how her legs are parted slightly to rest the instrument across her lap, the way her breasts are the perfect size in proportion to her waist and her hips and… yeah.

Only with enthusiastic consent, but he wants her.

By the time he’s smiling and letting the relief flood his body, she’s noticed his not-so-scientific staring and looks disgusted with him.

But he can’t stop smiling.

He can’t stop thinking about the rooftop because he misses Alex.

That’s it.

He misses his best friend.

He nails the chord he’s been working on and takes it as a sign.

***

_Why did you ask me about that night?_

**What night?**

_You know what night, Zach. Just answer me._

**Had too many beers and remembered how you almost fell off the roof.**

There is a five-minute gap between his response and Alex’s reply. Zach doesn’t know how he knows but it probably doesn’t have anything to do with the phone clenched tightly in his hand, the screen constantly on, their conversation stuck with a grey bubble and three dots flashing and flashing and flashing…

_Are you sure?_

**Yep**

He sends a gif of a drunk person as though presenting evidence.

His heart is hammering in his chest.

Probably had too many Red Bulls.

He goes to the toilet and spends a few minutes washing his hands with freezing cold water. He’s not sure when they started sweating but the water feels good on his hands and wrists and calms every sudden symptom he had developed in the last fifteen minutes.

_I think you should come and visit me._

_Soon._

**Got any cool rooftops I can save you from over there?**

His phone is ringing instead of a response and he’s horrified to hear the slight wobble in his voice as he answers.

“Hey, stranger,” Alex says.

“Miss my calm, soothing, ridiculously sexy voice?”

“Obviously,” Alex deadpans, but then laughs. It’s full and natural and Zach wonders if he’s ever heard it for real.

He has.

And he knows when.

“Are you drunk?” he can’t resist asking.

“No,” Alex says. “But I do miss you.”

It’s an admission Zach had thought might destroy him but instead he feels warm and he feels reciprocated. Maybe he is Alex’s best friend.

“I miss you too, man,” Zach sighs. “A lot, actually.”

“There’s a party next weekend. Will you come?”

“Alex Standall, willingly going to a party?” Zach gasps. “College has changed you.”

Alex chuckles but it’s a little breathy, like he’s laying on his bed and holding the phone close. Like it’s a clandestine 3am phone call he doesn’t want his roommate to overhear.

Or at least that’s what Zach’s mind tells him.

Maybe Charlie is there.

“There won’t be any football players at this party,” he explains. “Which might be the biggest perk of college that I’ve found so far.”

“Just one ex-football player allowed?” Zach teases. He can’t resist.

Alex sighs and Zach swears he can feel his breath on his face.

Like that night.

Like when Alex’s face was mere centimetres from his own.

“Check your schedule and let me know, ok?”

Zach wants to tell him he has a date or that he’s met a girl or that he’s got another party to go to…

“Ok,” he says instead.

“You can put down the college girls for one weekend to come and see your friend,” Alex says and it’s not a request anymore.

As if Zach was ever going to refuse.

When has he ever not been exactly where Alex needed him to be?

***

But he does go to a party off-campus the night before he’s due to leave for Berkeley.

And he does see the same music guy leaning against a wall.

And he does notice how his jeans hug his thighs and he imagines what they’ll look like over his ass.

He does see the top few buttons of his shirt undone and his hand tingles with the need to _just touch_ something when he sees the flash of skin on his chest, exposed.

The way the guy holds his drink puts a tiny strain in his forearm and Zach can’t help but see the slight muscle tone and wonders what it would feel like with his hand wrapped around it.

When he looks up at the guy’s face, drink held to his lips ready to sip, he finds a pair of eyes full of similar appraisal staring right back at him.

And he does note how much he really, really doesn’t mind the soft scratch of day-old stubble against his face as his lips press to music guy’s in a locked bathroom, lights off and pressed against the sink.

He thinks he hears a faint murmur of “thought you weren’t into guys” but it vanishes when a hand presses to his chest and works its way to his waistband.

He wraps his arms around music guy’s middle and all his mind has the capacity to know is that he once held Alex like this; after he saved his life, before Alex kissed him.

Even in the most out-of-body moment of his life to date, that night sits front and centre in his mind and just. won’t. stop.

***

_Are you on your way?_

_Let me know when you’re almost here and I’ll come out to meet you._

_I’ve called you four times – where are you?_

And, finally:

_Fuck you, Zach._

***

How does one explain to their best friend that they’re being haunted by a kiss from a night that feels like an age ago, that they spent a day burrowed in their bed after being jerked off by a guy in a pitch black bathroom, that the only hand he wanted on him in that moment was theirs…

***

So he imagines it instead and as his hand wanders below his waistband and his eyes fixate on his roommate’s poster of some Victoria’s Secret model, his head is only full of the feel of Alex’s lips, Alex’s hands, that time in the locker room, and the scratch of music guy’s stubble on his own. And it’s never felt so good. And it feels wrong.

And he’s fucked.

Or just fucked up.

***

His grades are steady, and he’s finally told his mom that he’s on guitar and vocal, not violin, and he has a girl he’s sort-of-seeing…

And he’s sending Alex texts that are ignored on the regular.

***

**Some college friends are planning a trip to a lake in a few weeks. Do you remember when we fell in?**

***

**I miss you, Alex.**

***

**Alexxxxxxxx are you alive??????**

***

**Hi Alex. How are you? I’m good. Thanks for asking. How is college? Oh cool, glad to hear it. Your grades are good? I knew they would be. Mine are actually pretty steady if you can believe it. Been to any parties recently? Oh man, that sounds wild. I don’t really party anymore. They all kind of suck once you’ve stood your best friend up.**

***

**Stop ignoring me, man. I’m sorry.**

***

**What do you remember about that night?**

***

And then one day…

_I remember everything. What do you want to know?_

Until that moment, Zach hadn’t considered that Alex might also have felt the ghost of ‘that night’ following him around all this time. They didn’t talk about it. They made jokes, they had “hot banter” but they never spoke about why Alex chose that moment, when he realised he needed to do it, why Zach didn’t push him away, how it was never really acknowledged until Justin was dying in a hospital bed.

**Is Charlie with you?**

_No, asshole. Why?_

**Tell me what you remember.**

_I remember enjoying spending some time with you. Felt like we hadn’t done that in a while._

**We hadn’t. I missed you then.**

_I remember following you to that ledge like an idiot. Like, honestly, what kind of idiot with a brain injury follows their friend to the edge of a rooftop!_

**Hey! Does that mean I’m an idiot too?**

_Goes without saying, Zach._

**Touché.**

_When you saved me it felt like a rush? I didn’t really know what was happening, but I was so grateful, and you were so safe, so I just did it._

**So it was a thank you kiss?**

_Didn’t seem like you were objecting._

Alex might as well have dumped an ice bucket on him.

His fingers suddenly feel like lead and his phone starts to slip as his hands begin to sweat.

His brain blocks his hands from doing anything until he finally sends a simple:

**No.**

_Is that what you want to talk about?_

And with a renewed strength, he manages:

**I can’t stop thinking about it.**

Alex doesn’t respond for nine minutes and thirty-two seconds. Zach counts every single one.

_I can’t stop thinking about when you saved me from drowning._

**Why?**

_Because I really wanted to kiss you on the beach._

**What stopped you?**

_“I’m not into guys” probably did it._

Zach takes twelve minutes and eighteen seconds to find it in him to respond.

**I wish you had.**

And then he turns off his phone, screams into his pillow and punches the mattress for good measure.

It doesn’t help.

The ache of missing Alex doesn’t leave.

The shame of admitting what he wants doesn’t settle.

The grief for what he is sure is a lost friendship has only just started.

***

Zach ignores the girl he’s sort-of-seeing in favour burying himself in assignments and finals and dragging himself right up to the finishing line of his freshman year. He’s almost certain he’s been dumped. He can’t find it in himself to care that much.

When he turned his phone back on that day, he muted any contact from Alex and deleted the conversation without reading any responses.

He knows he can handle Alex knowing that he may have felt some kind of way about him, but he doesn’t need to see the outright rejection in his face. Doesn’t need to see Alex call him a shitty friend and effectively dump him from that too.

He’s in his last week before he returns to Evergreen for the summer, to work at the school with his old coach, when he seeks out music guy (Blake, apparently) just to get it out of his system. They hook up in Blake’s dorm room with the lights on and Zach leaves before he can acknowledge the colour of Blake’s eyes, the shade of his hair, his height, and who else he might know with similar features.

The night before he heads home, when he’s all packed up save for his bed linen and laptop, he looks up “bisexuality” and loses himself in more resources than he thought could have ever existed.

Five hours later, exhausted, he gently cries himself to sleep.

He’s not sure why.

Relief?

Fear?

Grief for who he used to be?

***

He’s grabbing a morning coffee from Monet’s when he sees him again.

Alex, Charlie and Charlie’s dad are sharing a table just inside the door and Zach is feeling like the floor wants to swallow him whole. It’s a rush but it’s also terrifying.

He hasn’t seen Alex since he left for Berkeley.

And yet, somehow, he appears no different.

Zach holds his coffee cup just a touch too tight and lets it burn him slightly. It beats the insane urge that has swept up in him to grab Alex and hold him close.

He hopes he can leave unnoticed, but just in case, he takes a deep breath and prepares to plaster on a grin.

Three seconds later and…

“Alex! Oh my god, man,” he exclaims, holding his arms up in surprise. “How the fuck are you?”

Charlie had been the one to spot him and Charlie had alerted Alex.

Alex who is now standing in his path to the door.

“Do I get a hug?” Alex smile, holding his arms out expectantly.

“Of course!” Zach is enthusiastic and immediately puts his coffee cup down.

But the minute his arms wrap around Alex’s middle and Alex rests his head on his shoulder… he feels the swoop in his stomach that he felt when Alex wobbled on the roof. He feels the screaming in his head that gave him no choice but to protect Alex, no matter what. The voice that told him to throw himself off the roof if he had to, if it would only save him.

And as they part, he wonders how he’s ignored it all for so long.

Alex can barely look him in the eye and before he can question it, a hand appears in his vision with Charlie’s grin on the other end.

“You look good, Zach,” he smiles, genuinely.

“Thanks, Charlie,” he laughs a little. “You too. Graduating does that, I’ve found.”

“Zach, we-”

He can’t hear it.

They’re what?

Engaged?

Moving in together?

Both going to Berkeley next year?

Getting a dog?

“Sorry, Alex,” he says quickly. “I have to get to work. I’ll call you though, we can catch up.”

He taps his shoulder as he makes for the door and as he opens it, he barely hears a resigned: “Like hell you will.”

When he gets to work, he finally unmutes Alex’s contact and decides that the universe can be in control for a bit.

***

“Are you in love with him too?”

“No.”

“Are you in love with him too?”

“No.”

“Are you in love with him too?”

“No.”

He can’t stop dreaming about it. He always wakes when a gun is fired. The last thing he sees before he wakes is always Winston’s face. His pleas for Zach to tell Alex that Winston loves him. And the overwhelming feeling that he was lying on what might have been the last day of his life.

***

_Do you remember when we were smashing up the school and you asked me why I was with you instead of Charlie?_

**Yes.**

_Did you know what I was going to say?_

Zach sighs.

He knows. He could see it in Alex’s eyes. He had been seeing it since the first night.

**No.**

He allows himself one selfish indulgence.

_You’re a liar._

**Tell me now.**

His phone rings.

He lets it ring out twice before he answers.

“Alex, you don’t have to say anything,” he says wearily. “I’m being a jerk, I’m sorry, man.”

“Bullshit,” Alex says quietly. “I was with you because I loved you, and I didn’t love Charlie.”

Zach can’t say a single thing.

“I wanted to be with you, to spend time with you, even if we ended up arrested. It was worth it to me.”

Zach clears his throat, swallows down the lump, and wills his mouth to form real, actual words.

“Then I’m sorry I sent you away,” he says carefully. “Do you love Charlie now?”

There is a long pause, and Zach can hear a deep sigh, before: “I don’t think so, Zach.”

***

“Are you in love with him too?”

“Yes.”

***

Zach throws himself into work and avoiding Alex and Charlie, and before he knows it half the summer has passed. He’s started making plans to return to college, making plans with the two or three other people he actually knows in Evergreen County this summer.

His head has moved on. The kiss on the rooftop doesn’t plague his thoughts and Winston has largely left his dreams alone. Instead his mind repeats Alex saying that he felt safe in Zach’s arms on a loop. That the kiss was a “shitshow”, “disaster” while Zach knows it was maybe the most important things to happen to him last year.

He’s being haunted by all the things he should have done but failed to do.

He wonders when Alex will leave his mind. He wonders when everything stops being about Alex and starts being about how Zach moves on. He doesn’t drown himself in booze and hookers anymore. He doesn’t have meaningless sex while he’s home. He doesn’t seek out parties and girls and being black-out drunk.

He just works, eats, sleeps, thinks of Alex, and repeat.

He needs it to be over.

**Can you meet me on that rooftop tonight?**

_Yes._

Alex replies instantly as Alex so often does. Butterflies shamefully burst into flight in Zach’s stomach and he wonders if it would be better to just throw up than to have this conversation at all.

***

“Not going to help me take control or forget or whatever?” Alex’s voice calls from where he’s entered the rooftop and Zach’s butterflies go into overdrive.

“Not today,” he smiles. “I feel like we’ve had one near death experience too many up here.”

“It’s good to see you,” Alex says. He’s close now. Not as close as last time but enough that Zach could reach out and touch him if he wanted to, if Alex wanted him to. His arm practically vibrates at the thought and twitches, desperate to make the connection.

“It’s good to see you too,” Zach agrees. He swallows down whatever deflection his brain was dreaming up. “I need to talk to you about some stuff.”

Alex nods, as if he already knows.

“I’m not great at speaking about these things, as you know, but I need to get it off my chest so I can move past it, you know?”

“Sounds heavy,” Alex sighs. “Do I need to sit down?”

Zach laughs, nervous and slightly rattled.

“No, you’re good,” he says, and clears his throat. “Do you remember the active shooter drill in senior year, last year?”

Alex shuffles uncomfortably. “Yeah, of course. I nearly lost my fucking mind.”

“But you had Charlie, right?” Zach confirms. “Well, I had Winston. As you know.”

“God,” Alex laughs. “I haven’t heard a single thing from him or about him since Justin’s funeral.”

“I never told you what we spoke about but,” he pauses. He has to because he’s just noticed he’s not breathing as well as he has been every other day of his life. “I know he wanted you to know and I think now is as good a time as any.”

Alex gestures for him to continue. Zach lets out a nervous laugh and berates himself for not being stronger, more confident. It’s just Alex. His best friend. The person he might have spent more time with during the last years of high school than anyone. The guy he taught to slow dance. The guy he helped to rehabilitate. The guy that brought him back to reality before he blew everything. The guy he’s been in love with… for the longest time.

“He wanted me to tell you that he truly loved you. I didn’t believe him, I asked him to prove it so he told me all these things he liked about you and then he asked me if I was in love with you too.

“He must have seen something in me, or maybe I was too forward in defending you and all the good things about you, but he knew. I told him I wasn’t but,” he pauses again, takes another big gulp of air. He looks at Alex with a grin. “Turns out you’re right and I’m a fucking liar.”

Alex doesn’t say anything. He’s staring at Zach and he’s taken in every word but he’s mostly silent. Until, after a significant pause filled only with the sound of traffic far below, he’s not.

“Are you saying that you were in love with me in high school?” Alex asks. “Just to be sure.”

“Yes,” Zach exhales, quickly. “I think I still am, while I’m being honest.”

Alex nods and nods and shakes his head and… “And you want to move past this?”

“Alex, you’re happy with Charlie. I don’t want to get in the way of that,” Zach insists. “But I can’t keep dreaming about Winston asking if I’m in love with you, or seeing this rooftop everywhere I go, imagining I’m holding you every time I hug someone. I thought telling you would help ease some of that.”

Alex’s brow is furrowed, his hands clenching and unclenching, and Zach has no idea what he’s done wrong.

“You don’t know anything, Zach,” Alex says with barely concealed anger. “Fuck, if you’d just spoken to me more or actually visited me at least that one time you’d fucking know.”

“Know what?”

“Fuck!” Alex is exasperated. “Charlie and I broke up months ago!” His voice is stretched to its limit without yelling but all Zach can hear is white noise. He feels like he’s been punched in the face by half the Liberty football team and then once with a baseball bat just to be sure. “He’s a good person and I did love him, but he wasn’t good with the distance and I really had to concentrate on school. He needed me a lot more than I felt I needed him. We weren’t a good fit, in the end.”

“Oh,” Zach whispers. “I’m… sorry. When did it happen?”

Alex sighs. “Remember that party you were supposed to come to?” Zach nods. “About a month before then.”

“So the other day-”

“We’re still friends,” Alex won’t look at him. “I’d just got back into town and he wanted to get breakfast.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

A silence dawns and Zach’s fight or flight response is kicking in. He wants to break something. Drink something. Drive so fast he forgets literally everything that led to this moment.

But then he looks at Alex, who looks like the wind has been knocked out of his sails, and knows he’s not going anywhere.

His end goal has changed.

His mission was to move past Alex. To get over it. To get on with his life. But that was when he thought he was still with Charlie.

What the fuck is he supposed to do now?

He feels the lack of reciprocation like cracks down his spine, one by one. Shocking, every time. But then quick relief. Because if Alex says he loves him too? Then he actually has to deal with it.

“So…” Alex finally speaks. “Are you, like, gay?”

Zach breathes. That’s a question he can answer.

“No,” he smiles. “Bi, I think.”

“Okay,” Alex is nodding. “Okay. I think I need to go.”

The pit in Zach’s stomach moves to his chest and sits where he is sure his heart is supposed to be. It hurts. It aches.

He’s never felt anything like it.

So, this time, he lets Alex go.

***

Jessica, Tyler and Clay are in town for the weekend. A long time ago, they all planned to meet up during the summer break to honour Justin’s memory – to spend time with each other, share memories, have a few drinks. That sort of thing. Zach feels like he’s been through so many life changes since he saw them last and he doesn’t know how to react to seeing Alex again. And how to deal with that in the same space that Justin used to fill.

He walks into Clay’s garage and feels Charlie’s presence like a punch to the gut. He schools his face to grin and give them the full Zach Dempsey they’re expecting, and he reminds himself that Charlie is not the enemy. He’s his friend and he’s made cookies, because of course he fucking has.

Alex, Clay, Tyler, Jessica, Charlie, and a surprise Tony, all jump up to greet him and it’s the closest to normal life that he’s felt in a long, long time.

It only takes half an hour for Jessica to corner him.

“I didn’t have you down for a queer awakening at college,” she laughs. “But I’m happy for you.”

His blood runs cold.

“Alex told you?” he whispers, harshly.

“He had to,” Jess explains. “He was going crazy and needed to talk. Don’t blame him. No one else knows.”

“Okay,” Zach nods but it doesn’t really ease how anxious he suddenly feels.

“So,” she grins, and there is nothing innocent about it. “Any guys on the college radar?”

Zach merely raises an eyebrow at her. Disappointed, but not surprised.

“Come on!” she shoves him a little. “Alex hasn’t given me any info since he split with Charlie, I think Clay’s forgotten what girls actually are and Tyler’s so loved-up it kind of makes me want to vomit. I need your gossip.”

He looks around the room and no one is looking at him. No one is paying any kind of attention apart from Jessica and it suddenly feels a little safer.

His mind goes to Blake, and immediately wants to shut him out, but he’s there.

“There was one guy,” Zach starts, shaking his head as if in disbelief. At what? He doesn’t know. Disbelief that he’s telling Jessica. Or disbelief that it even happened? “It was nothing, just a couple of hook ups. But enough to make me think, you know?”

“Well,” Jessica starts, patting him on the shoulder. “Good for you. I’m happy for you.”

“You are?”

“Of course! And so is Alex,” she’s sympathetic now and Zach wonders if he preferred her before. “He just needs time to figure out how to show it.”

“It’s cool,” he says with a smile. “Anyway, this got real serious real quick. Who’s having a drink?”

He yells the offer and grabs himself a beer. Alex catches his eye and raises his can of soda to him from across the room. He’s smiling and he’s free and unburdened and Zach doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look better.

How was telling him ever supposed to make him move past it?

How did he ever think this was going away?

***

**Why did you kiss me?**

It’s 3am. He’s not expecting a response, but Zach can’t stop wondering.

They never spoke about it.

Sure, Alex might have been into him and he may have been able to deduce that already but… you don’t just go around kissing everyone you might be into.

And now he needs to know.

Has he always walked around with a sign confessing to the world before he even knew himself?

Did Winston see it?

Did Blake?

Did Chloe know, and is that why she found someone else?

_Fuck off, Zach. You know why._

Does he?

***

“Are you done texting me stupid questions in the middle of the night?” Alex asks.

Zach looks up and sees him leaning against the chair opposite him at Monet’s. His heart jolts in surprise before the embarrassment hits.

“Depends,” Zach starts. “Are you going to give me a straight answer any time soon?”

Alex snorts. “Can I sit?”

Zach nods and kicks the chair opposite out a little.

“I’m heading back to college next week,” Alex says, fiddling with the handle on his coffee cup. He’s not meeting Zach’s eyes. “Do you think we can hang out before I leave?”

Zach feels winded, so far. He knew this was coming. He is due to leave himself in three weeks – none of this is a surprise.

“Of course,” Zach finally answers and fuck, it’s so embarrassing how his voice scratches. He barely sounds like himself.

“I was going to stay for another couple of weeks, but Tyler needs to get back,” Alex explains. He’s still not looking at him. Not really. “So, I figured I’d take the ride. I’ve had just about as much of my parents as I can take and they’re probably the only reason I should stay, right?”

Zach nods and takes the opportunity to force some of his own coffee down his throat. It’s too hot and it scalds but he keeps his face measured and calm. He might have almost failed out of high school but he’s not stupid. He knows a trap when it’s been set.

“I understand,” he says carefully. “But you know I always have time for you, right? You don’t even need to ask, man. Just say the word.”

Alex raises an eyebrow at the sudden switch, the change back to high school Zach-and-Alex. At the absolute failure to address the ticking time bomb that Zach put underneath them the minute he admitted he was in love.

“No problem,” Alex smiles, instead.

***

He’s in the grocery store when he finally finds himself alone with Charlie.

The urge to turn and run to the next aisle is overwhelming but just as he goes to turn the shopping cart, Charlie strolls on up – all smiles and sunshine and with a basket full of flour. Because, of course.

“Hey, man! Almost didn’t see you there!” Zach smiles and pats his shoulder.

This is easy. Charlie is his friend. He was his friend before he dated Alex and he can be his friend now.

“How are you doing?” Charlie asks with a smile so large, Zach wonders if his face is hurting.

“Fine. Working my ass off mostly, college will feel like a break after this.”

“Sure,” Charlie laughs. “I’m glad things are better for you now.”

But what does he mean by that…

Does he know?

Did Alex tell him too?

“You know, pulling yourself back together after senior year. That must have been tough. You seem a lot better now!”

Of course.

Zach wonders if this paranoia is a part of bisexual life that everyone failed to mention or if it’s just his own fucked up head.

“Well, cutting out cheap bourbon does that for a person.” Zach internally cringes because there is a giant fucking elephant in the room and neither of them seem to want to point it out. There might as well be a sign as large as Charlie’s first prom-posal with Alex’s name on it right there but they’re looking the other way. “Congratulations on your graduation though and getting into college. You always had your shit together, I’m not surprised.”

“Thanks, Zach,” a genuine smile this time.

And another awkward pause. How long is this supposed to go on for…

“So, I know we’re probably not supposed to talk about it,” Charlie starts. He’s looking right at the elephant. He’s waving the sign on a placard. “but I wanted to tell you that you and Alex? It’s totally cool. It’s fine.”

“Did Alex-”

“No! No, he wouldn’t,” Charlie is quick to assure him, but he can’t help but wonder. It’s not quite enough to take the anxiety away. “But I see things, Zach. I’m not blind, I know how you used to watch us.”

Anxiety is mixed with shame and this might be the first time Zach has ever blushed. He feels the heat in his face and he just can’t look at Charlie’s beaming, sunshine smile anymore.

“It’s ok, I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable,” Charlie says.

Uncomfortable is an understatement. Zach feels seen.

“No, it’s fine, man,” he sighs. “Don’t worry about it. Thank you. But there is no ‘me and Alex’ so I don’t need your blessing or whatever.”

“Understood,” Charlie puts his basket down for a second to offer a hug. “It’s been so good to see you though. Don’t be a stranger!”

Zach takes the hug. It feels like the closest thing to reality in that moment and fuck, Charlie is such a good guy.

Regardless, and he doesn’t know how, nor can he explain it if asked to, but Zach knows this part of his life is coming to an end. He can see the loose ends tying themselves up and he knows there is only one more hurdle to jump before the end of the line.

Before he starts again.

***

He finally meets Alex at the bench where they buried Hannah’s tapes and their crimes with them. It’s an odd choice but he likes to think that Hannah might be watching him now, might be proud of what he’s done with his life.

But then again, maybe not.

Alex is due to leave in two days but he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. He left the ball in Alex’s court. He pointed a massive arrow at it and yelled YOUR TURN through a megaphone just to really hammer the point home.

So why does he feel like he has to make a grand gesture? Confess his soul? Take Charlie’s blessing and make it worthwhile?

“I think you know that this isn’t easy for me,” Alex sighs, when Zach joins him. “I’m not good at saying this sort of stuff.”

“Is anyone good at it?”

“True.”

“Can I be honest?” Zack takes a deep breath because he’s going to do it. He’s going to put himself out there again and if it doesn’t work this time? Then he’ll move past it. He’ll force himself to move past it.

Alex nods and gestures for him to continue.

“I,” Zach struggles. “I don’t want you to leave in two days.”

“Ok,” Alex smiles.

“I want to hang out with you and smash some shit up and talk like we used to,” Zach sighs. He feels like he can breathe again. “I want to tell you everything.”

Alex rolls his eyes but he’s still smiling. “Of course you want me to stay and be complicit in your illegal activities.”

“Look, you chose to be my partner in crime,” Zach laughs. “I didn’t force you to smash the school windows!”

“I don’t have time for facts.”

Alex laughs and Zach laughs and for a moment, they’re in high school learning how to slow dance, they’re smashing picture frames, and they’re driving out of school in the middle of the day.

Until Alex picks up the ball.

“I kissed you on the rooftop because I’d wanted to for a very long time,” he says quietly. “Like since my rehab and all the help you gave me. But I mostly ignored it, until I couldn’t anymore. And I thought I saw that you wanted me to.”

Alex was right. Zach does already know this, when he bothers to acknowledge it.

“I did want you to,” he admits, painfully. “But I don’t think I knew that yet.”

“Got it, Mr I’m-Not-Into-Guys,” Alex laughs a little. “And I was with you during the riot because I loved you and I was hoping you might suddenly figure out you felt the same, to be honest.”

“I’m-” But Alex continues.

“And you’re my best friend, you know? You were obviously going through something. I just wanted to be there for you.”

Zach nods. Alex’s hand is resting on his own lap, not moving, not doing anything. Zach has been staring at it since he sat down, and he wants to grab it. He wants to hold Alex’s hand in his and show the world how he feels. But his arm is weighed down and his hand won’t move and…

“Fuck,” Alex whispers, and suddenly turns towards him. “I think I’m still in love with you. I’m not sure I ever wasn’t.”

Ice has been poured over Zach’s head and a fire has been lit from his feet and somewhere in the middle his butterflies are dying but also multiplying and this is it. This is the moment. He needs to do something. Anything.

“Ok,” Zach says carefully, the edges of his voice trembling a little. “Just so we’re really, really clear – this isn’t like an ‘I love you, man’ kind of thing?”

“Not for me,” Alex says, staring right at him.

And with a deep breath…

“Not for me either.”

There is a beat where Zach decides to go for it and takes Alex’s hand in his. It takes another beat for Alex to hold his hand back but soon there they are. In public, on a bench in the middle of a park. Holding hands.

“What do we do now?” Alex asks.

Zach laughs and squeezes his hand a little. “I think I should kiss you because I’ve wanted to for a very long time and because I think I can see that you want me to?”

He’s teasing, and Alex is rolling his eyes. But to his shame and slight annoyance, Alex gets there first.

Alex leans right over and presses his lips against Zach’s and this time he only feels calm. The kiss is electric, as Alex’s lips slide over his and this time Zach shows more enthusiasm in kissing him back, and it sends sparks through Zach’s body but he’s so, so calm. There’s no fire and no ice and no terrifying vibrations or fear. It’s just right.

He lets go of Alex’s hand to hold him around his middle, to let Alex put his hands either side of his head and just hold his face, to make sure the only thing he can do in this moment is kiss Alex and never let him go.

But eventually, it has to stop.

“So,” Alex says quietly, his mouth barely half a centimetre away from Zach’s. “Are we giving this a go?”

Zach has a thousand answers: I hope so, I’d like to, Maybe, Should we talk about it, Do _you_ want to give it a go…

But in the end: “Yes.”

***

He wakes up in Alex’s bed and it might be the most rested he’s felt in months.

Alex is pretending to be asleep, with his arm thrown over Zach’s waist. And Zach can’t stop staring.

“You’re terrible at that,” he whispers, poking Alex in the side.

“Fuck off!” Alex grumbles into his pillow.

“No really, you’re really bad at it. Your breathing is all over the place.”

To his surprise, Alex tries to hide his face even more as it slowly turns a light shade of pink.

“Is it me?” Zach leans across to whisper in his ear. “Is this the effect I have on you?”

“You’re horrendous,” Alex says, before finally lifting his head and meeting Zach halfway with a soft kiss. “This is so weird.”

It takes a second for Zach to let the offence wash off of him before he realises that he’s right. It’s really fucking weird. How are they going to transition from platonic best friends that kissed once to boyfriends, partners, lovers… and still best friends? How do they tell their friends? How do they tell Charlie and keep him as a friend? Is it even possible?

“Stop thinking so fucking loud.”

“Sorry,” Zach whispers, extremely conscious that Alex’s parents are just down the hall and he probably shouldn’t be there.

Except that for the first time, he feels like he’s exactly where he should be.

“Was it weird when Charlie stayed over?” Zach regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth, and he feels even worse when Alex actually opens his eyes and creases his brow. He wants to touch. His fingers itch with the need to smooth it out and make whatever is troubling him go away. But he can’t. Because he did that.

“Seriously?” Alex asks, quietly. “Do you really want me to answer that? Because I don’t think we should talk about Charlie or the hundreds of girls you’ve probably been with since high school.”

And he deserved that one. He really did.

But it still _hurt_. Because Alex had no. idea.

“No,” Zach eventually concedes. “I’m being an asshole, sorry.”

“Yeah,” Alex sighs. “Me too, though.”

“Fuck.”

“Fuck, indeed.”

Driven by an urge to get away from this, to move on from the bad energy they’d suddenly filled the room with, Zach defaulted. It was what Alex would expect, maybe even want.

“So when did you know you were into me?” He asks with a ridiculous grin.

“I’m beginning to wonder that I am,” Alex rolls his eyes as he watches Zach attempt to highlight his features. “Maybe after that day in the locker room.”

“Oh man, even I knew after that day.”

“No you fucking didn’t,” Alex laughs. “But I hadn’t even thought about it until then. What about you?”

The air feels suddenly still as Zach checks the memories in his mind and wonders just how long this has been going on without him even deigning to acknowledge it as a possibility. He honestly doesn’t know. He realises with startling clarity that he had been performing for so long that he can’t think of a single person he truly liked after Hannah. He’s thrown back to the night on the rooftop, once again, and he knows.

“When you kissed me,” he said quietly, holding Alex’s chin and tracing his bottom lip with his thumb. “It was probably before then, but I don’t know. I don’t even think I knew then. Seeing you with Charlie drove me crazy though.”

“How crazy?”

Alex is teasing. He’s lightening the mood. He’s drawing Zach out of his head, and hasn’t he always been able to do that? Hasn’t Alex always pulled him from the dark?

“Categorically insane,” Zach laughs as he shoves Alex onto his back and settles on top of him. “Certifiably so.”

He leans down and presses a kiss to Alex’s answering grin and everything is calm, and everything is right, and Zach is sure he never needs to move from this spot.

***

_Where the fuck are you?_

**I’m on my way! Hold on!**

_I’ve been holding on for fucking ever. Hurry up!!!_

He’s sprinting down the street, half-laughing, half-gasping for breath. It’s the day Alex is supposed to leave but they both know he’s not. He throws the door to Monet’s open and scans the customers for the only person in the world he cares to see.

He spots Alex upstairs and makes a beeline in his direction. He doesn’t see anyone else. He _can’t_ see anyone else.

“I’m so sorry!” he apologises, a little out of breath. “Coach kept me back and I didn’t have time to text. Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

He grabs Alex’s face and presses a quick kiss to his mouth before sitting down.

And like a spell has been lifted, he suddenly notices Charlie, Tyler and Jessica are sat with him.

“So, erm,” Alex starts nervously and laughs a little. “I guess we’re dating now or whatever.”

“How have you kept this quiet?” Jessica is exclaiming but Zach now has his hands over his face, wishing he could disappear. He’s so stupid. They haven’t had the conversation about who will know what and when and now he’s blown it.

“It’s been literally two days, Jess, calm down.”

“Alex!” She tries again. “Did you guys know?”

Charlie and Tyler are dutifully murmuring that no, they didn’t know, when a hand wraps around one of his wrists and pulls a hand away from his face.

“It’s okay, you can stop now,” Alex is smiling, and he doesn’t let go of his hand.

“Sorry,” Zach sighs. “We haven’t decided how to tell people yet.”

“Been busy?” Jessica says with a smirk that he knows is less than innocent.

“Fuck, Jess,” he hears Alex say from next to him.

“Okay, okay,” she concedes with a laugh. “We’re all very happy for you both but can we get back to saying goodbye to Tyler before he takes himself back to college?”

Zach is all too happy to give way. Alex’s hand is still in his. His friends are fine. Charlie is still smiling.

He runs his thumb across the back of Alex’s hand and just breathes.

***

**Do you remember that night on the rooftop?**

_Which one?_

Zach inhales, and grins.

**You know which one.**

_I genuinely don’t._

Zach laughs. He misses Alex so much. It’s been three weeks since he last visited Berkeley and it’s another three until Alex can visit him. He felt the ache of missing him and allowing himself to want him settle in his chest, his stomach, and his entire body the minute he left him on campus and had to drive away.

**You know. The one when I pressed you against the wall.**

_Are you being deliberately vague?_

**Alex.**

_Zach._

There is a pause.

_Yeah, okay, I remember. What is this about?_

**Nothing. I just miss you. Want you here. Need you here.**

_It’s only another few weeks, you horny fuck._

**It’s three weeks and two days actually.**

_Wow._

**Love you.**

_You only want me for my body._

**Yes. But I love your body.**

_I love you too, asshole._


End file.
